Starting Round 2 and Awesome Things That Happen In My Life

I'm going to skip around a bit today so I've titled sections and people can read only as much as they feel like. It's a little out of order.

No Hair
After my last treatment for my first round of chemo I shaved my head and I talked about it then but now I have had time to experience it. Due to the kindness of friends and family I have kind of a million scarves now and I've been learning a lot of style tricks and stuff to help me feel confident with my naked scalp, but it's still an interesting experience. For example, I spend a lot of time trying to negotiate that line between fun/cute and gypsy/pirate. I really like the baseball cap/scarf combo. Its like having a really colorful ponytail and I can handle that. Or sometimes I'm just bald because having stuff on my head is hot (warm) and I need a break. Also, I have adapted well to shaving my own head. The goal is to keep a neat appearance that I can feel comfortable with, and so far so good.
On the upside, my body hair, legs, etc., has sort of stopped growing back in so shaving is still faster than ever. Sometimes in the shower I am sure that I should be taking more time, but I run out of things to do, so, too bad.

 So we have a variety of bald pictures here from over the last week. I feel like this is a pretty good showcase of my looks and now I'm going to move on to another topic.

CHEMO #3
So its a little confusing because my chemo happens in two part cycles two weeks apart. Two weeks ago I really had Part 2 of cycle 1 and today I had part 1 of cycle 2. I have been quite melodramatic about it. For starters, when I got in my blood refused to draw until the 6th try. Just thinking about it I feel gross, the flushing fluid leaves a nasty taste in my mouth and by the time we finished I was sick to my stomach. What better way to start 2 hours of chemotherapy, am I right? So that was fun, the doctor says I look great, he didn't have any blood counts to look at, but my heart, lungs, and extremities appear to be surviving the chemicals being thrown at them, and I am maintaining a healthy weight, I credit it to a diet of cake. Wedding cake, cheesecake, and more cake. I ate a lot of treats this last little while and I am not at all ashamed of it. I put on some weight.
Fortunately I knew this would not be an issue as I was lying around the living room telling my family that I might be dying and making funeral arrangements. I have since improved a little, but being nauseated is tough stuff. I'm also overly dramatic when it comes to being mildly ill so my claiming to be near death was no big deal. I like to make a dramatic show so I can laugh about it later in the privacy of my room when I decide to feel better. Really though, I suspect that Part 1 chemo cocktail is was less pleasant than part 2 chemo cocktail. Needless to say, I am on a tough diet of not wanting to eat but needing to eat and I don't think weight it going to be an issue now that the parties are over.
In case you are intrigued about my funeral plans, which will be occurring in about 70 to 90 years, I want to share a tidbit, I'm a little morbid and I have been making plans for years. I don't think I will need to have any speakers because I'll have released a book compilation of my journals by this point, still awaiting title, and that will be old news. So I have selected music. If I had to pick a hymn or two I would stick to classics. Nearer My God to Thee, Each Life That Touches Ours For Good, or Be Still my Soul have always been favorites. Maybe a finale of There is Sunshine in My Soul Today. If I could branch out, and I would love it if they did I have chosen the following to be on the playlist.

'Til Kingdom Come - Coldplay

Now My Feet Won't Touch the Ground - Coldplay

Blackbird as in Across the Universe by Evan Rachel Wood

FUN STUFF (When I do normal things like have a social life)

These last two weeks have been SUPER fun. I got to spend time with a lot of friends, many of whom I do not see regularly and I was extremely pleased to see despite the fact that I am genuinely sickly all the time it was awesome. My friends the Rhodes family was down helping Mitch, a good friend of mine, get moved in for grad school at Utah State and I spent an entire day with them at the Aquarium and then dinner. So good to see them.
After that I was out for a few days because I had a chemo treatment, and then I went camping with friends from my ward over at Utah Lake. I love my ward because even though I moved in and then pretty much have just been sickly, I was recovering from a broken pinky, and then this stuff with cancer, I feel like a normal young person most of the time when I'm with them. It has been a really great opportunity to make some good friends and feel really included.
The next day was my first day bald, I had a really close friend get married up in Salt Lake and I was able to spend time with quite a few people who were a significant part of my college years. I love my friends. I get myself in trouble all the time by saying people are my best friends, because can a girl really have 27 best friends? I do, because my list of people I love is always growing. The reception was fantastic, I feel so blessed by the people that my friends choose to marry because I feel like they generally choose people who I really love and it seems like they really love and seem to be themselves, but maybe a bit better, around.
Our next week was increasingly fun because I had two days of non stop play until I was tired and cranky, with my friends Emily and Kyle. Should I person with a low immune system go to an arcade for hours? I don't know, but I don't think I have suffered for it, and I definitely don't regret playing so many games.
I followed that up with a road trip, my dad did most of the driving because he is basically a super dad and we had some fun. We stopped and stayed with family in Boise, I got to go spend time with my Grandma who has been having her own health excitement this year but has a very positive attitude about it all and is looking good. I also saw my friend Nena and had fun catching up and seeing a bit of the Real Life behind the scenes art studio. It's amazing and inspiring to have such talented people in my life. I feel like I can do anything.
We dropped in on the Wyatt family in the middle of moving from Ellensburg to Yakima, I'm going to miss that house that was like my home while I was in college even though I never lived there. They were great examples to me, I was always learning things from Paul and Brenda that helped improve my life and set better life goals, but more importantly they are kind, loving, fun and super welcoming. I know I'm not the only student who spent time there who considers them an extension of family.
I made it to Seattle, my dad dropped me off downtown near the Westlake center, which of course was crazy,y all day. I went down to Pike Place market and mingled in the street craziness that is down there, ate grapes that tastes (no kidding!) like cotton candy and then sat down in Barnes and Noble for food and a book. Then I had a great dinner with my friends Kate and Annie at P.F. Changs. Love those people, love that place. Finished my day with a Ferry ride to Bremerton and then a fin visit with the Crenshaw Family in Port Orchard. They have been great family friends and it was fun to catch up for an hour.
I got to see quite a few friends in Port Orchard, I spent the night at the home of Mary Felts who is an amazing woman. I don't think she ever stops going and doing good things. She is so aware of other people and she is always one of my favorites to visit. We stopped in and visited my friends Ed and Linda Peterson, Ed and I share a birthday, bit he just won't let me catch up to him. This year he celebrated 90 years while I only managed my 26th. We then visited the congregation we were in when we lived there. It was so great to see so many faces of the friends and families that had such a big impact on my life for so many years. There is something to visiting people who loved you through all of your awkward phases, and keep loving you when you are all grown up. And to see so many of the children who have become teenagers and young adults. I love seeing the growing up faces of kids I got to play with when I babysat and taught nursery.
The whole trip was really for my friend Drew's wedding and that was a fantastic an beautiful experience out at Thornwood Castle in Lakewood. I found out that this was where they filmed Stephen King's Rose Red (a movie I haven't seen) and much of the set up and décor there is thanks to his specifications for the movie. All I know is that it was beautiful and I loved seeing so many people who have been so good to me over the years. Drew had a great surprise for my at his wedding (which was so thoughtful of him to put together during the hectic weeks planning his wedding and spending time with his wonderful fiancé, did I mention my friends amaze me?)
He gave me a deck of cards following after a tradition he and I had started years ago on a difficult college evening with a different set of cards. We had made these pretend fortune telling card that we called the Drawing Cards of Doom, he pulled them out at the weeding and I thought he was giving them to me because over the years we have passed them back and forth as a joke to who ever was facing the most challenges in life, a way to make light of the hard knocks we all face. To my shock he refused to let me have them and presented me with a new set of cards, the Drawing Cards of Hope. He and a group of friends had taken time to write on and collect hopes and dreams from strangers in the streets for me on playing cards. I feel more loved every time I think about it. Just the thoughtfulness and the time and effort so that I could have something around to cheer me up. So much better than our cards of Doom.
After that we came home and I got to go to chemo today.

Did I Mention Gifts?
I posted about the specifics on Facebook and I wrote the cards story here so I'm just going to finish with some pictures, no explanations.

 

 

Projects

 And one of these inspired my start to a new project which I am going to offer a small preview of. I'm going to do a collection of short illustrated stories, and ideas from my life. The stories will all be true, according to me. This is not quite the final product, and I've only just begun, but I'm very pleased with it so far.

No More Hair

My hair fell out right on schedule. This last week I started losing clumps of hair like crazy until Saturday morning when I decided it was getting too hard to style and my super kind brother Sam helped my shave my head.

 

He thought he would be funny when he gave me a tiny Mohawk, but he told me later that when he tried to style it the hair just came out it his hand... I guess the joke was on him.

 

We did a bit of teamwork shaving my head, Sam let me take a few swipes at it.

 The completed project.....

 

A funny hat I picked out a week or two ago came in the mail today.

 

I'm glad I still have eyebrows for the time being, hoping they stick around. :)

Chemotherapy #2

Last week was fairly uneventful, I was in some pain for a few days and it has been hard to sleep, but after the pain passed things were good. They told me at my mid cycle appointment that my counts were looking good.
Tuesday I had my second treatment, the normal 3 hour visit where they took a second set of blood counts, I met with the doctor, and then I got to hang out on an IV drip for 2 hours while they filled me with chemicals. My dad took me this time and got to meet the doctor.
After Chemotherapy was done we went to eat at Iggy's because I thought I wanted a hamburger, but about 2 hours later I was really regretting that when I started to feel nauseous.

I spent a few really exciting hours laying in bed feeling sorry for myself and then my aunt Katie came over and trimmed my hair a little shorter, plus we colored it which was nice because I think I had some grey hairs sneaking around, and I love a good fresh color. It looks great, we picked a colorant that made my hair really shiny so I'm very pleased with the results.

 The only downside, as evidenced if you look at the next image, is that I shed approximately a sink-full of hair at least twice a day. Strangely, my hair is thick enough that the thinning doesn't seem to be noticeable yet. I keep expecting to wake up with a bald spot somewhere, and it just hasn't happened yet.

 

Anyhow, I have a job interview today which I am quite excited about. I've moderated my anti-nausea medications differently this time so that even though I've been a little more sick to my stomach I've been able to stay awake more and that feels good. Here is to hoping my interview goes well!

Faith: Lessons I'm Learning

Today in church a lot of people talked about trials and overcoming challenges in life through faith and this gave me another opportunity to reflect on how I strengthen my own faith through the trials I have been given. I see people who are sharing in similar experiences, and many people experiencing things much more difficult and it makes me think a lot about faith.
I feel like in life whenever we come to a trial we also come to a crossroads of faith, one shared in the story of Job in the bible. Job is such a wonderful and faithful example of how to handle the difficult times in our lives. Job of course is sorely tested and during his trials his family loses faith, as evidenced in Job 2:9, "Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die."
Clearly his wife is fed up, she has had enough of these difficulties and she really feels like Job ought to give up as well, because really isn't it sometimes too much? Job of course responds with faith, Job 2:10, "But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips."
From this example I learn a few things, one, it is not a sin too complain, or recognize that you are experiencing a trial, it is even a matter of course that some of our trials may come about as lessons from a loving Heavenly Father. It is foolish to expect that this life would be easy. I love a quote that I discovered on my mission from the October 2007 General Conference, a talk by President Henry B Eyring titled, 'God helps the Faithful Priesthood Holder,' he says,
"But it is never going to be easy for you or for those you serve. There will always be pain in service and in the repentance necessary to bring the power of the Atonement to change hearts. That is in the nature of what you are called to do. Think of the Savior, whose service you are in. At what point in His mortal life can you see an instance wen it was easy for Him? Did He ask easy things of His disciples then? Then why should it ever be easy in His service or for His disciples?"
Finally, I was reminded of a lesson I learned watching the movie 'Joseph Smith: The Prophet of the Restoration', which I really love and highly recommend and can be watched if you go to this web address here: http://www.mormonchannel.org/joseph

There is a point towards the end where Joseph is talking to Emma as he is about to surrender himself to trial at Carthage Jail, which for those who aren't familiar with the history (really, watch the movie), is where Joseph and his brother are soon after murdered by an angry mob. After Joseph explains what he is about to do and that he intends to go because it is God's will, Emma asks, "Do you ever wonder if He asks too much?" Which considering their lives to this point and the trials they have undergone, seems a fair question, and Joseph, ever an example to me of faith answers simply, "I do not let myself."
This part of the movie has stood out to me every time I watched it, even though it is just a few moments, I think partly because the first time I saw it, maybe 8 years ago, I was really surprised by the idea. As time has gone by and I have revisited the idea over the years, and carried those thoughts in my heart, I have learned that it is easier to have faith and hope if you stop asking. Instead of saying, "Why is this happening to me?" I try to ask myself, "What can I learn from this?" "How can I make this situation better?" and "What does the Lord expect of me?"
I have found that I can't avoid hard things, but I can find my way through them. I still occasionally spend a few minutes here and there feeling sorry for myself, because while I know it isn't productive, it does kind of feel nice sometimes to wallow in the despair and frustration of life. Afterwards because I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who wants me to be happy, I pick myself up, or sometimes he lifts me up, and I get back in the game, because real joy comes in those moments when we have to work at it.
I know this isn't specific to my condition, and I know that not everyone who reads this will share in my same beliefs, but this is my story, and I get to decide how I tell it. I decided years ago that the only true and lasting happiness comes from living the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and if you love something share it.

The First Few Hairs and Other Odd Experiences.

Hair loss started today. It's just like I read about. My head gets itchy, I stratch at it, I remove a couple hairs. I've been feeling it for a few days actually. Right now it's just a little thinning, I think it won't be noticeable for a week or two. But it's definitely happening.
Otherwise chemo just has made me feel kind of sick to my stomach and really tired. I sleep all night and then I manage to fit in a long nap in the afternoon. I sleep at least as much as my year old nephew, maybe a little more.
Also, there is random pain. For example, the inside of my mouth aches, and my neck hurts (mostly because it's been the victim in my recent surgical adventures). I also get little aches other places, but I sort of sleep those off.
Eating is hard. I'm always sick feeling and some food that used to be good is now disgusting. For whatever reason I've been really liking bean burritos. I never imagined having those on my favorite foods list, but it's pretty much the only food I legitimately enjoy eating right now. Most food is still pretty good, but bean and cheese burritos are like eating cake without the calories. At least in happiness level.
The hardest thing is that I keep pretending that I'm going to wake up feeling good, and I just haven't. It's not too bad yet, not nearly as bad as they described, but it really isn't fun.
It's also difficult not having anything really purposeful to do. This started when I wasn't working, and while I'm grateful I don't have to go to work I miss having scheduled responsibilities. It's hard to motivate yourself to get up and going when you don't feel awesome and you have nothing to do and nowhere to go. I am working on some little art projects, and that's fun. It keeps me thinking actively at least. And I think about riding my bike a lot. Sometimes I even look longingly at the bikes from my window. But then I go out and run a few errands and by the time I'm done it's time for another long nap.